I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Problem uppdate.

First of all. The fishes didn't make it. Of the 18 new ones I got as replacements for the ones that died in the second run. None made it. I am at the moment only mommy to two survivors. If they live, I'm planning on buying 2 more. One as a test and the second as a long term fishy. But that depends on if the tezt fish survives. I'm not there yet so we'll see when that happens.

Apart from that, it's spring here now. Both outside and inside. My porcelain flower has decided to bloom. Out of 5 growing flower stems, three are blossoming. It smells awesome in here. A lot of other things are growing too. I'm gonna try to get some pics of all that is sprouting and post it. I haven't been very good at blogging again. I've been thinking a lot.

Questioning all the possible directions my life can go now, what I want and so on. And I have recently discovered that I have some leftover unhappiness and problems from an event that happens some years ago. I have probably had it for a while now and just ignored to deal with it. Not healthy. I need to get my thoughts and feelings in order and then deal with it. Not looking forward to it.

It actually makes my stomach hurt from thinking about it. I might need professional help. Gah. Anyways. I need to go to bed. I've been having some bad issues with falling asleep lately. Last night was the worst. Had to cancel my climbing session today from lack of energy. Which sucks because I haven't had a proper week of climbing since last year. And it's messing up my low blood pressure.

Holy christ on a dirt bike. 

Summer holiday blues.

Summer holiday. I should be happy relaxing. Instead I'm feeling down and stupid because I don't have a summer job. I'm trying to ignore it. I really need some time to just to nothing right now. I made it through the first half of this education without skipping school even once. Which is a first for me. Never been good at staying in school. But it got me so so tired. Especially these last two weeks out at the garden center. *sigh*

I can wait another semester before I can get a job and start paying for my self again. But can the people that I'm relying/living of do the same?

Wooot !?!

Wonderful wonderful news. I have been thinking of getting the green climbing card. The card that proves that I can belay other people safely and therefor am allowed to do it in the climbing hall. So I've checked out the company that gives courses for this. And found out that it cost almost 800:- sek.

Ouch. So I thought this won't happen for quite a while. But then we heard that the staff of the hall are allowed to test you (basically) and give you a card if you pass. Now this got me nervous. A test, with someone I don't know. About something they probably know better. Yikes. So I got a bit unsure.

Didn't really feel like pursuing it at that moment. But then yesterday. I saw that there were two guys in the hall getting tested for the card. And I guess I felt a bit optimistic or something. (Although very scared.) And decided to wait around and ask if it was possible to test me too. Damn the horror.

And in the end, he had time. And I have my card. Wohoo !!!! I'm so happy. I have to say, that although my brain froze up a bit. It went very well. It is still a bit scary to talk to people i don't know. But he was very nice, like pretty much all of the climbers I've met so far. The future looks bright.

Depressed rant.

I still find life very confusing, annoying and very hard to deal with. I have always wondered ( and still do ) why it looks so much more complicated for me.

Why did I have to be a shy child when I grew up. Why didn't I have a good relationship with my father. Why is it sometimes so hard to see when I can do and say some things and when it's a bad moment. Why was it so hard to make friends. Why was it so horribly hard to even talk to people. Why did they have to pick on me when I did mistakes. Why do I meet so many weird people that aren't good for me. Why did that thing have to happen....

I want to be better. I want to be good. And at the same time I wonder, why bother? What do I want to be good for ? Me ? Others ? I want to be loved, liked. Ofc, everyone does. I want people to seek me out, want to do things with me. Be happy with me. Not stab me in the back and freeze me out. Point fingers at me and whisper when I walk by. But they don't do that now do they ? That was years ago. Why is it so hard to let go of. Why can't I move forward. Am I depressed ? Am I just down and under. When did I lose my cheerfulness I used to have. Where did I go wrong....

I don't know what to do for me. I don't know what I want. Even tho I can tell you about things I'd like. In the end, I don't know. Nothing. What am I. Life can be hard for everyone. Why did I cope with it so badly ? I know, I'm having a bad day. Maybe even a bad week. Who cares. I know that later tonight or tomorrow. things will look better and I won't understand why I wrote all this. But it's still all true. I have to get a life. Do something. So I'll go forward again.

And last but not least. I wonder how much good it would do, to tell someone about what happened. Cuz apparently it's still on my mind. Do I need them to know so that I will feel better ? And is it worth it at the cost of how they will feel when hearing about it ? Is it my right to decide for them ? Oh lord sometimes I wish I was religious. I have to stop giving my self more problems than I already have. And not make things that aren't a problem, into one. I need some happy music, and a hug. A big hug. And quite possibly a piece of cake. Yeah. That would be awesome.

Learning.

I have a motivational issue. Basically, I want to do things but can't get any motivation to do it. It's starting to bug the hell out of me. But recently I got my self a little cheerleader. I've been wanting to learn a new language. German, to be exact. So I got a tip from a friend and downloaded this app. Its pretty neat.  Has all the right features for me that I need right now at least. And also, one thing that I both like and dislike.

If I don't use it one day. It sends me a reminder. Saying how its important to keep up the learning and w/e. The demotivational part of me thinks these messages can just go to hell and burn in eternity. Gimme a break. But the part of me that wants to learn this language is cheering loudly saying go go go !!! Lols. I know this is good for me. I hope I remember that.

Home Green Home.

There and back again. Was away a week longer then expected but I can't complain. Had an awesome time. And now coming home to see the garden and all the flowers. Geez they've grown. It's a jungle out there. I need to get a move on to get some more seeds into the dirt. But I probably won't do much this week. My B-day is coming up in just a few days.

I was very happy about it a few weeks ago and was like.... YeY celebrate !!! Then I had a mental setback and was like.... da fuck, don't feel like it. Why bother. And now I'm all.... *sigh* Do I care or don't I ? So I guess I'll go along and do it. It's not like you celebrate even numbers that much anyway. Also wonderful Sara is coming, and ( fingers crossed ) Dave...

The "surprice" Geranium I bought earlier down in Lkpg.

Planting a seed.

It's time to start thinking about the summer and what I want to grow this year. I'll need to make a list. Just the thought of it makes me happy. :) I need to go through the seeds I've saved from last year also and check if the seeds I took from plants look like they're usable. So much fun to do.

It's just a little sad that it's colder here than where I lived with my ex. You do notice that the summer is shorter and cooler. Might not be much but it makes a noticeable difference when growing vegetables and flowers. Good thing we got the greenhouse up last summer. Yippie. ^^

I have a feeling it's going to be quite full in there. It's already getting full in my room. I can't complain, but I have to do something about it. I need to make some rearrangements for my clothes and doing so I'll need to move the flowers a bit. Still a bit unsure just how to do it tho. It's a bit tight.

A Whole New Year To Fuck Up.

Yes. 2012 is old news, here we go 2013. I don't have any great hopes for this year tho. But if I can wish for anything, it would be to find someone who loves me and to get a job. Health is over rated for my part so I'm not gonna ask for that. But I hope my mom will feel better than she has these last few months.

And once again I feel like I've lost a few weeks. The days have just gone by and although I know what I've done and where I've been, it feels like I haven't been consciously there. It's like my mind has been busy somewhere else. Could be, that I've been a bit more down than usual. But I don't really know.

I wonder how I should get things going this time, this year. It's hard to describe how it is to have things that you want to happen or get done. But not having any willpower or anything, to make it happen. Mostly it feels quite horrible really. But I will make my best effort this time. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

Failed img of a lovely two-colored Geranium -2011.
Will look for a new one this spring again.

Yu Ellu !

It's been a while. I've been on "vacation" sort of. It's over today. Tomorrow I'm going back home. Almost anyway. Got a few more days before I'm actually going "Home" home. First there's a stop in Lkpg to visit a good friend and help him move. I will be spending my B-day there too, yum yum. Just felt like it.  But I'll be home in time for the midsummer cheese.

Not everything went according to plan these weeks. But it never does when you make a plan in your head without knowing the reality. So it all went south. At least one person is disappointed with me. Exactly how much I have no idea. God it's such a mess too keep friends. No matter how much you wanna be nice, sooner or later someone gets mad and it's fucked.

And last night something reminded me of how pleased I am not to be in a serious relationship. *Sigh*

Talk to the hand.

This is the day of complaints. Things are messed up. Yesterday I helped my mom in the garden. That's not a bad thing, I like gardening. But today my back is telling me that digging up those plants was not a good idea. It's not a bad pain, just enough to know I'm alive.

But I am unhappy with the way things are going right now. I tried getting an education in our big city, but it's too complicated and my head just makes it even worse so I decided to ignore it for now. Even tho it is very interesting and tempting. I might go back to it again later.

I also applied to another education in my old city. But it's a bit late so the chances on getting in aren't too big. And even if I get accepted, we run into my second issue and also my third. I have finally ( way too late ) called the health clinic here and put my self on the waiting list.

I hope to get sterilized. Since I don't want, and never ever have wanted, babies. In fact it's only an obstacle in my life. My second problem is that I gotta wait to see the doc and the shrink. It's gonna take around 3 months. Just around the time when I'll find out about school.

And the third problem... I need to magically find 1300:- . Cuz that's what the operation will cost. I admit, it's way way better than where I last lived. They took around 13000:- for the same thing. But, since I don't have an income what so ever. It's still a bitch.

I don't know what to do with this mess. Sooner or later I'm gonna have to choose. Live with this awful thing but  get an education. Or wait and hope for the education to happen later and be 1300:- in debt to a friend. God how I hate owing money to people.

To like or not.

How much should you care about what others think about your looks ? People you don't know is a no brainer for sure. If they don't know me, they don't have a say about me either. But what about friends, family and coworkers ?

If a good friend or someone in your family says that they don't like your clothes or that they think your hairstyle isn't pretty, how much should you care ? This is a hard topic for me. I won't change because someone doesn't like something about me. But I will feel sad about it, because I want to be liked.

Oh well. I guess people can still like me even if they don't like my choice of pants, hair color or what ever. I think about it much atm because I'm trying to decide what to do about my hair. Let it grow as it is, or maybe cut it in a short hairstyle.

Letting it grow as is would mean longer hair sooner. But a new style would make me feel better about my looks.

Still can't decide.

Peach at work.

Right... so I'm home, again. And life is still as it is when I left it. Other ppl must think I'm so god damn slow honestly. Takes ages before I get any sort of change going. But there is a lot of thinking going on still up in that dream filled head of mine.

I guess, being in a rush to get anywhere isn't really a good idea anyway. Ofc I want a job, but my mental health is still not fully functional. And maybe it's a good idea to keep on with the exercises and hobbies for a little while longer. Feel a bit better.

I'm keeping my eyes on the educations still, and the unemployment agency ofc. But I refuse to rush it anymore. Tho ppl might disagree and say that I never tried rushing at all. But what do they know. Have they tried living in my brain ? Nop.

So fack it. I think I'll go watch a movie now.

Flutter flutter little fly.

I sense a growing delay in my blog updates. Could be because I'm growing tired ( and self conscious ) about repeating the same stuff over and over again. I might not have repeated it that many times here, but all together it's a wee bit tiresome. *sigh*

I'm researching butterflies. Or well, trying to get a feel for how they look and how to draw one. I bought a tiny book about them on the sale a few days ago. Cost me 29:- sec. I can live with that. I'm planning on drawing a pretty big tattoo eventually. It's gonna take a while, everything I want to do does. It's fine, I'm not in a hurry anyway. And I'm going hunting this spring/summer. For a special little black larva. I'd very much like to see it sometime.

Maybe I'll draw a bit, later tonight. Maybe I'll use the evening to dwell in my mind and sort through my daydreams and thoughts. Or maybe, I'll just catch up on some of the anime I haven't watched in a while. Decisions , decisions, decisions...