Tgif ftw !

I love Fridays. I think it comes from when I was in school. The joy of having 2 whole days free from that hell hole. It was always a joy. Not to mention summer breaks and all the small holidays.

But...

Today I did something I told my self not to do again. I just couldn't help it. I yelled and "argued" with my granny. I am so tired of her bullshit, I have been for a while. I'd love to have her committed to a mental hospital so they could straighten her out. Since nothing we say has any affect on her. She's still slowly killing herself, since 8 or 9 years ago now. But I give up now. I'm not gonna listen to another word now.

It also feels slightly hypocritical to argue with her about this. Knowing that I my self have had doubts about living and such. And I'm not fully free from those thoughts yet. But at least I know I have a problem and I know that how I see things and how they really are isn't a match. It's better than in my mind. I'm overly negative and have no confidence or self esteem. But I know about it. So I can work on it. 

I guess that's the difference between me and her. I've gone one step closer to being happy again. But she still tells her self that everything is over. I just wish she wouldn't say such mean things like she has. Saying that there's nothing at all to live for. When she has 3 kids, 6 gran kids and 1 gran gran kid. She could have kept that comment for her self if she feels that life is that bad. 

You do NOT tell your kids that they aren't worth living for. 

Yu Ellu !

It's been a while. I've been on "vacation" sort of. It's over today. Tomorrow I'm going back home. Almost anyway. Got a few more days before I'm actually going "Home" home. First there's a stop in Lkpg to visit a good friend and help him move. I will be spending my B-day there too, yum yum. Just felt like it.  But I'll be home in time for the midsummer cheese.

Not everything went according to plan these weeks. But it never does when you make a plan in your head without knowing the reality. So it all went south. At least one person is disappointed with me. Exactly how much I have no idea. God it's such a mess too keep friends. No matter how much you wanna be nice, sooner or later someone gets mad and it's fucked.

And last night something reminded me of how pleased I am not to be in a serious relationship. *Sigh*

Hell.

Don't you just hate it when you can't drop a topic ?

I realized yesterday that although the comment was said in a joking manner, and he didn't mean any harm by it. It did hurt. And as with everything else that hurts me, ofc I won't tell him to his face. I'll keep it in my self and feel yet again that he's right. I'm not worth anything. I know it's wrong, but I'll do it none the less.

I was talking to my ex about a comment a friend had said. My friend wondered if there was anything going on between a guy and me. And I told her that as far as I know it's just friendship. He's gorgeous ofc but I'm simply not interested in a normal gf-bf relation with him. I don't think she believed me but that's her issue.

Anyways. My ex then says the wonderful comment "even if, I don't think he'd change gf from one social misfit to another". *sigh* Why thank you, so that's what I am. A social misfit. You could have told me earlier that you thought I was that damaged. I swallowed it up and ignored it. But it did hurt. The misfit part hurt.

I wish I was more evil than I am. I'd fuck them all. Make them beg for it, make it hurt. Throw salt in the woulds and then go and hide somewhere where they'd never find me again. Even tho they'd want to, for better or worse. And I'd enjoy the madness I had caused. "Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned."

No hard feelings dear. I still like you.