Down and out.

I'm having troubles sleeping again. Last night, or should we say early this morning. I stood in the kitchen watching the snow fall outside the window. I hoped it would stay over the day but I wasn't feeling very happy. I think I could have slept pretty much through the entire day, but I made my self get up after 12 anyway.

I tried to do some stuff but ended up in bed again a while later. Not sleeping. Just wasting time watching the sky through the window and the sealing. I am quite apparently not feeling very well. It's a good thing I'm still eating these pills. I might be feeling down and out of character. But at least I'm not thinking about all of the ways the world would be better if I wasn't in it.

I need to snap out of this somehow. Good thing Sugar is home soon. That will make everything feel better. At least for the moment. Oh, and the snow did stay. For the day anyway. It was a nice warm moment this afternoon to look out the window and see the white stuff on the ground. I hope it snows more during the night.

City Bitches.

So yesterday I got the note from the school, telling me that my city turned down my application for the education I applied for. I'm pissed. They tell you that you have all the means necessary to re-educate your self into another kind of work. And then they just turn down your application. Bitches. Although I was prepared for this answer. I'm still not happy about it. My hope for this winter is fucked. Better start thinking about an alternative.

My first...

So, yes. Went climbing on Tuesday anyway. Very proud. It wasn't easy to start climbing with many people there and Sugar and his friends watching. But I did it. Very awesome. Started working on a problem I haven't done before. And ofc, one unprepared fall later.... a twisted ankle. My first climbing related accident.

You have no idea how pissed I am that this happened. Good thing Sugar still had his "aircast" from when he got injured. So I borrowed that. And I didn't hurt my ankle as bad as he did, so it won't take me half a year to get back up again. But I'm counting on probably two weeks or so at least. Can only wait and see I guess.

On one hand I don't want to baby my self too much. But on the other, I don't know how careful I should be with this. Crap cakes and bitch buns. I'ma go and pop my foot up now and rest a bit. On the bright side it's a holiday on Friday so it's an extra long weekend. Three whole days of Sugar instead of two. :) Yey !!!

*Poop*, the update.

Because i can.

And now in a much better mood although still alone, and apparently it's raining outside. So yes the hall will probably be full. Shit happens. Anyway, I decided to perk my self up by getting a haircut. Quick and easy since I do it my self. And now I've given the blog a face lift too. Gonna need to take a new selfie for it tho. Since my profile pic is old and inaccurate. Oh well. If only I could lose my headache now. 

Depressed rant.

I still find life very confusing, annoying and very hard to deal with. I have always wondered ( and still do ) why it looks so much more complicated for me.

Why did I have to be a shy child when I grew up. Why didn't I have a good relationship with my father. Why is it sometimes so hard to see when I can do and say some things and when it's a bad moment. Why was it so hard to make friends. Why was it so horribly hard to even talk to people. Why did they have to pick on me when I did mistakes. Why do I meet so many weird people that aren't good for me. Why did that thing have to happen....

I want to be better. I want to be good. And at the same time I wonder, why bother? What do I want to be good for ? Me ? Others ? I want to be loved, liked. Ofc, everyone does. I want people to seek me out, want to do things with me. Be happy with me. Not stab me in the back and freeze me out. Point fingers at me and whisper when I walk by. But they don't do that now do they ? That was years ago. Why is it so hard to let go of. Why can't I move forward. Am I depressed ? Am I just down and under. When did I lose my cheerfulness I used to have. Where did I go wrong....

I don't know what to do for me. I don't know what I want. Even tho I can tell you about things I'd like. In the end, I don't know. Nothing. What am I. Life can be hard for everyone. Why did I cope with it so badly ? I know, I'm having a bad day. Maybe even a bad week. Who cares. I know that later tonight or tomorrow. things will look better and I won't understand why I wrote all this. But it's still all true. I have to get a life. Do something. So I'll go forward again.

And last but not least. I wonder how much good it would do, to tell someone about what happened. Cuz apparently it's still on my mind. Do I need them to know so that I will feel better ? And is it worth it at the cost of how they will feel when hearing about it ? Is it my right to decide for them ? Oh lord sometimes I wish I was religious. I have to stop giving my self more problems than I already have. And not make things that aren't a problem, into one. I need some happy music, and a hug. A big hug. And quite possibly a piece of cake. Yeah. That would be awesome.

F#!k...

Oh this is a bad day. I slept badly, woke up a few times and felt a headache. Woke up this afternoon then and noticed the headache was still there. I'm freezing, feeling lazy and not motivated at all. I'm down and insecure and worried. Still got a mountain of boxes to take care of and a friend I should try to get a hold of and meet. *sigh* I can make up more excuses but it doesn't matter. The fuck to do...

Me, my self and my worries.

I'm so tired of this now. I'm in a period of high anxiety and worrying again. Thinking about my allergies that are in danger of getting worse by the day. Looking for work online almost daily. Worrying about what to do with my things in Lkpg. And how and when I'll get a job. Getting a place to live, and ofc where to live.

It's quite exhausting. And it comes with the very unpleasant side effect of not being able to fall asleep. Even if I'm in bed by 12, the chance of me falling asleep before 4-6 in the morning is slim. That in turn makes me feel like I'm a no good lazy ass when I can't get out of bed until after 12-13 somewhere. Crap, fuck, shit.

On the bright side. I'm quite happy with my mental progress in the self worth department. I think it's gone extremely good even. I still get some random spontaneous issues tho. And I don't get any heads up for them either. It's a bit annoying but I guess it can't be helped. At least I'm going forward.

One of my issues I really don't understand. The "ppl doing things that could embarrass them" thing. I mean, why the fuck should I be worried about that ? It's really not my problem. My only guess is that my faulty logic has found a loophole to make it my problem. I need to cut that of and close it up for good.

Tgif ftw !

I love Fridays. I think it comes from when I was in school. The joy of having 2 whole days free from that hell hole. It was always a joy. Not to mention summer breaks and all the small holidays.

But...

Today I did something I told my self not to do again. I just couldn't help it. I yelled and "argued" with my granny. I am so tired of her bullshit, I have been for a while. I'd love to have her committed to a mental hospital so they could straighten her out. Since nothing we say has any affect on her. She's still slowly killing herself, since 8 or 9 years ago now. But I give up now. I'm not gonna listen to another word now.

It also feels slightly hypocritical to argue with her about this. Knowing that I my self have had doubts about living and such. And I'm not fully free from those thoughts yet. But at least I know I have a problem and I know that how I see things and how they really are isn't a match. It's better than in my mind. I'm overly negative and have no confidence or self esteem. But I know about it. So I can work on it. 

I guess that's the difference between me and her. I've gone one step closer to being happy again. But she still tells her self that everything is over. I just wish she wouldn't say such mean things like she has. Saying that there's nothing at all to live for. When she has 3 kids, 6 gran kids and 1 gran gran kid. She could have kept that comment for her self if she feels that life is that bad. 

You do NOT tell your kids that they aren't worth living for. 

Talk to the hand.

This is the day of complaints. Things are messed up. Yesterday I helped my mom in the garden. That's not a bad thing, I like gardening. But today my back is telling me that digging up those plants was not a good idea. It's not a bad pain, just enough to know I'm alive.

But I am unhappy with the way things are going right now. I tried getting an education in our big city, but it's too complicated and my head just makes it even worse so I decided to ignore it for now. Even tho it is very interesting and tempting. I might go back to it again later.

I also applied to another education in my old city. But it's a bit late so the chances on getting in aren't too big. And even if I get accepted, we run into my second issue and also my third. I have finally ( way too late ) called the health clinic here and put my self on the waiting list.

I hope to get sterilized. Since I don't want, and never ever have wanted, babies. In fact it's only an obstacle in my life. My second problem is that I gotta wait to see the doc and the shrink. It's gonna take around 3 months. Just around the time when I'll find out about school.

And the third problem... I need to magically find 1300:- . Cuz that's what the operation will cost. I admit, it's way way better than where I last lived. They took around 13000:- for the same thing. But, since I don't have an income what so ever. It's still a bitch.

I don't know what to do with this mess. Sooner or later I'm gonna have to choose. Live with this awful thing but  get an education. Or wait and hope for the education to happen later and be 1300:- in debt to a friend. God how I hate owing money to people.

Insane in the birdhouse.

Not sure what to say, I still feel like crap.

Tomorrow I'm calling the doc to see if I'm getting a refill on my medication or not. It's most likely a yes, just a matter of how many words / appointments / days I'll have to wait ( without eating any meds ) before I get it. To be honest, it's not that I really really want it even. I just see the logic in eating it while my mood is shit and I'm waiting for my life to change for the better.

It's still an improvement tho that while being down, I still haven't reverted to the sick feeling of wanting to be dead. I'm happy ( well sorta ) to know that the feeling of being down doesn't necessarily have to be tied to the feeling of a death wish. Funny, it almost cheers me up even. So it's really not all darkness and gloom here. I get some moments of joy every day anyway.

And also, it's almost impossible to be sad / angry all the time when you live in this house with my moms totally insane cats. They are hilarious at times and seriously awesome the rest of it. And my baby bird. Who despite only having seen me about 2 or 3 days a year these last few years, still remembers me and sings with me when I call to him and pick him up. I love him.