Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Insane in the birdhouse.

Not sure what to say, I still feel like crap.

Tomorrow I'm calling the doc to see if I'm getting a refill on my medication or not. It's most likely a yes, just a matter of how many words / appointments / days I'll have to wait ( without eating any meds ) before I get it. To be honest, it's not that I really really want it even. I just see the logic in eating it while my mood is shit and I'm waiting for my life to change for the better.

It's still an improvement tho that while being down, I still haven't reverted to the sick feeling of wanting to be dead. I'm happy ( well sorta ) to know that the feeling of being down doesn't necessarily have to be tied to the feeling of a death wish. Funny, it almost cheers me up even. So it's really not all darkness and gloom here. I get some moments of joy every day anyway.

And also, it's almost impossible to be sad / angry all the time when you live in this house with my moms totally insane cats. They are hilarious at times and seriously awesome the rest of it. And my baby bird. Who despite only having seen me about 2 or 3 days a year these last few years, still remembers me and sings with me when I call to him and pick him up. I love him.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Life on demand.

Well hello again.

Just because I've noticed it my self.... in my last post ( not that anyone cares ) I said "yesterday" about when I got my foul mood. And by yesterday I meant Saturday. By the time I posted the crap to the blog, Sunday was already over. Yes it's a dry spell here on news, and much else. Nothing special to report.

It's been the promised land of headaches here for the last 3 days. Both my mother, her hubby and I have had at least one headache in turn. Isn't it just wonderful ? Together with the fact that I've been here over a week now and am starting to feel bad for not having a job yet, everything feels peachy. Or not.

I'm still trying to stay away from msn, google talk and FB. Ye I log to play my game and maybe leave a mark or two. I sorta wonder if I'm missing something by not having the chats open. But then again. Right now there are maybe 3 ppl there talking to me. Everyone else has that weird disease called life. I think.

And that life, does not include me. Am I sad ? No, not really. I am trying to get a life of my own. But they seem to be pretty high on demand right now. So I might have to wait a while to get one worth keeping. In the mean time, I'll keep practicing my German words and keep my head above the waterline.

Isn't something missing.

I stayed away from FB today.

And by "staying away" I mean that I only logged on 2 times or so to check on the game I play there. Silly I know, but what ever.

I got into a foul mood yesterday night and it's still there sorta. But it's still, well, different. Different than my usual bad moods. At least this time it's not one of the "I don't want to live, get me out of here, everything is going to hell" kind of moods. This is just a, "oh ffs, god dammit..." one.

I'm not feeling lonely either. Ye I miss a few selected friends. Well, 4 to be honest. 3 of them are in swiss so can't do anything about it. And I miss hugging my friends. I miss biting Mr Awesome. I miss the sweet feeling of lips and teeth against soft skin on a warm neck. Ye I'm nuts. *sigh*

What would be really sweet right now.... is a warm summer day, Taking a long tour on a Harley ( or something similar ), with a short break for an ice tea somewhere. Enjoying the moment, philosophizing about everything and nothing with friends laughing, and someone hugging me close.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Moving forward.

Forgive and forget they say. That's the key.

She speaks about it in the book to. The one I mentioned in the previous post. You shouldn't try to forget something too soon after it's happened. Because if you go too fast, you won't forgive the person or ppl involved. And then you won't move forward. But I was just wondering. If I don't feel the need to forget, and I don't want to forgive. Does that mean I'm stuck ?

Because I don't feel the need to forget anything bad that might have happened to me in my life. It's all part of me now. Use it and grow, right ? And I know that as the matter looks now, I don't want to forgive either. Besides, they haven't asked for it have they ? But, the thoughts about the matter doesn't make me feel angry anymore. Doesn't that mean I am moving forward ?

I feel sorry for them, for having such miserable personalities so that the only thing they could do to feel good was to make me feel bad. I pity them. But right now, I simply will not forgive nor forget them. I'm fine with that. The scary thing right now, is to look my future in the eyes and deal with that.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I've been thinking.

And on the whole, I feel a lot better.

I've been reading a book these last few days. It's one of those "real life story" kind of things. About a woman who spent 14 years in a religious cult. They broke her down to pieces mentally and in the end she tried to commit suicide several times and ends up in a psychiatric clinic on red watch.

Now I'm far away from being in that bad shape. Thankfully. But I do understand a lot of her thoughts and feelings about the situation she was in. This book together with the realization that I never ever want to be the way my granny is, has put my mind on a whole other level. A very good one.

So I'm feeling pretty peachy today. I know there's still a long way to go to full happiness. But if I can keep this going, then maybe it won't be too hard after all. I sure hope so. Also a big bunch of brownie points to my mud-cake baking friend who spent so much time talking to ( and helping ) me lately.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Lazy dayz.

I woke up today, not really thinking about anything.

It was awesome. Even after I was fully awake I stayed in bed at least 30 min, just watching the ceiling and anything else that caught my eye. This must have been the first time in ages that I didn't feel the need to instantly get out of bed. I liked it. I didn't get out of bed until 12. Ye I know, it's late. I'm allowing my self a few days of easy sleepy bedtimes. We'll get down to business soon enough anyway.

However, I think I might have to learn how to eat breakfast again. Pretty soon too.

Home is where your toothbrush is.

And right now, that toothbrush is in a cold little place about 30 miles up from where it used to be for the past.... oh 6 years or so. That, feels very strange.

The last week of living in Lkpg I found out that there actually are friends in swe that are as good as my swiss friends. And a few days after that light bulb, I sat on a train away from there. It makes me wonder, would I have tried staying there if I'd known this earlier ? Maybe. But then again, I really missed my family. And although I feel a bit lonely up here, I think it was the right thing to do.

Some days ago I got a care package from Swiss. Dear Mr Awesome sent it to me. Some yummy yummy chocolate and 2 Mangas. The books are in German ofc. They're gonna help me try to learn and understand German. I did bring my study book too. I'm thinking, if maybe I should go all out on this challenge. Study like a mad man ( well, woman ). Could I do it ? A year ago I would have said no.

But, you don't know until you've tried, right ? And to sit on a chair and say "I wish I could this and that", and then never really put your heart into it... that's just stupid isn't it ?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Just another day.

Today I tried calling the social services. It didn't work. I've also cleaned up a kitchen, spilled my coffee on the sofa ( while dancing on said sofa ) and moved my speakers from my stationary pc to ( yep, the same ) sofa. I might not like it very much but my headquarters for the time being is my ex husbands living room. For how long? I don't know...

Tomorrow I'm going to play loud music and dance my ass of while packing and sorting another box of shit ( aka my stuff ). I've got one or two phone calls to make but other than that, the priority is the god damn packing. *sigh* Sometimes I feel like leaving everything here and tell Dave to burn it or something. But I know I'd regret it later.

What I can do tho, is go to sleep. And that's what I'm going to do right now. With pleasure... and no fucking alarm bell to wake me up in the morning. Gotta enjoy the peace as long as it lasts. Sooner or later I'll get a job and then it's over. But I'm not complaining. I'm looking forward to managing my own life and working. *yawn* Sleep. Right.

Ba ba.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


"You said I tasted famous so I drew you a heart. But I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art."

I'm listening to Marilyn Manson - (S)aint, trying to figure out if this lump in my throat is something caused by bad food, sickness or mental issues. I'm leaning more towards the later. Still a good song tho, I really like it.

I'm back down in Linköping. It feels like crap, can't wait to get back to my moms house again. But I've got things to do and stuff to take care of. Fortunately for me, nothing important can be done before Monday so I've got a whole day more to do nothing at all. Today I've watched a bunch of Bleach episodes. Awesomeness. Tomorrow I only have one thing planned, except from the silly long sleep-in I'm going to do. I'm gonna go to a movie with 2 friends. It will be most excellent I'm sure.

Right now tho I've got teeth to brush and a date with my bed.
"I've got an F and a C and I've got a K too and the only thing that's missing is a bitch like U."

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Here's a thought...

It's Sunday.

That means it's Monday tomorrow. ( Most obvious comment of the year, so far. ) And that means that tomorrow, I have a very uncomfortable phone call to make. Last time I was positive, even tho I should have known that it would go to hell. This time I'm as far from optimistic as can be. But this time maybe it will work.

I guess it depends on how heartless and stupid the person I talk to is. I'm not saying everyone there is, I'm just saying I don't always agree with their train of thoughts. Speaking of thoughts, I wonder when I'm getting that next appointment and ass-whooping at the unemployment agency. I have a feeling it's gonna hurt.