Whoops, I did it again.

And I'm loving it. As usual.

*sigh*

Ofc shit has to hit when I go away. I'm up visiting my family for a week now. Came here yesterday. And ofc, now I'm sick. Started with a little tickle in the back of my throat yesterday morning. Last night I couldn't sleep properly because of it. And now it hurts. So annoying. And tomorrow I'm supposed to go climbing. We'll see how that goes. At least I got to take care of all my pretty little flowers now. It looked like a jungle when I came into my room. I'm gonna try to take a few of them with me when I go. We'll see if I manage. Now I need to go rest and have some water... damn. *cough cough snivel snivel*

City Bitches.

So yesterday I got the note from the school, telling me that my city turned down my application for the education I applied for. I'm pissed. They tell you that you have all the means necessary to re-educate your self into another kind of work. And then they just turn down your application. Bitches. Although I was prepared for this answer. I'm still not happy about it. My hope for this winter is fucked. Better start thinking about an alternative.

Depressed rant.

I still find life very confusing, annoying and very hard to deal with. I have always wondered ( and still do ) why it looks so much more complicated for me.

Why did I have to be a shy child when I grew up. Why didn't I have a good relationship with my father. Why is it sometimes so hard to see when I can do and say some things and when it's a bad moment. Why was it so hard to make friends. Why was it so horribly hard to even talk to people. Why did they have to pick on me when I did mistakes. Why do I meet so many weird people that aren't good for me. Why did that thing have to happen....

I want to be better. I want to be good. And at the same time I wonder, why bother? What do I want to be good for ? Me ? Others ? I want to be loved, liked. Ofc, everyone does. I want people to seek me out, want to do things with me. Be happy with me. Not stab me in the back and freeze me out. Point fingers at me and whisper when I walk by. But they don't do that now do they ? That was years ago. Why is it so hard to let go of. Why can't I move forward. Am I depressed ? Am I just down and under. When did I lose my cheerfulness I used to have. Where did I go wrong....

I don't know what to do for me. I don't know what I want. Even tho I can tell you about things I'd like. In the end, I don't know. Nothing. What am I. Life can be hard for everyone. Why did I cope with it so badly ? I know, I'm having a bad day. Maybe even a bad week. Who cares. I know that later tonight or tomorrow. things will look better and I won't understand why I wrote all this. But it's still all true. I have to get a life. Do something. So I'll go forward again.

And last but not least. I wonder how much good it would do, to tell someone about what happened. Cuz apparently it's still on my mind. Do I need them to know so that I will feel better ? And is it worth it at the cost of how they will feel when hearing about it ? Is it my right to decide for them ? Oh lord sometimes I wish I was religious. I have to stop giving my self more problems than I already have. And not make things that aren't a problem, into one. I need some happy music, and a hug. A big hug. And quite possibly a piece of cake. Yeah. That would be awesome.

Me, my self and my worries.

I'm so tired of this now. I'm in a period of high anxiety and worrying again. Thinking about my allergies that are in danger of getting worse by the day. Looking for work online almost daily. Worrying about what to do with my things in Lkpg. And how and when I'll get a job. Getting a place to live, and ofc where to live.

It's quite exhausting. And it comes with the very unpleasant side effect of not being able to fall asleep. Even if I'm in bed by 12, the chance of me falling asleep before 4-6 in the morning is slim. That in turn makes me feel like I'm a no good lazy ass when I can't get out of bed until after 12-13 somewhere. Crap, fuck, shit.

On the bright side. I'm quite happy with my mental progress in the self worth department. I think it's gone extremely good even. I still get some random spontaneous issues tho. And I don't get any heads up for them either. It's a bit annoying but I guess it can't be helped. At least I'm going forward.

One of my issues I really don't understand. The "ppl doing things that could embarrass them" thing. I mean, why the fuck should I be worried about that ? It's really not my problem. My only guess is that my faulty logic has found a loophole to make it my problem. I need to cut that of and close it up for good.

Yu Ellu !

It's been a while. I've been on "vacation" sort of. It's over today. Tomorrow I'm going back home. Almost anyway. Got a few more days before I'm actually going "Home" home. First there's a stop in Lkpg to visit a good friend and help him move. I will be spending my B-day there too, yum yum. Just felt like it.  But I'll be home in time for the midsummer cheese.

Not everything went according to plan these weeks. But it never does when you make a plan in your head without knowing the reality. So it all went south. At least one person is disappointed with me. Exactly how much I have no idea. God it's such a mess too keep friends. No matter how much you wanna be nice, sooner or later someone gets mad and it's fucked.

And last night something reminded me of how pleased I am not to be in a serious relationship. *Sigh*

Leave me alone I'm lonely.

I understand that most ppl have that "thing" called "a life". It's perfectly ok and I wouldn't want them not to have it. I also understand that when you have a partner ( bf or gf or what ever ) you want to spend as much time as you possibly can with them.

What I don't understand is why that means that you can't even have the tiniest contact with your former friends. It really doesn't take that many minutes to send a short text to say hi and ask how life is going. But apparently I'm very wrong in that sense.

And I am oh so very tired now of ppl just going awol like this. I am a very social creature, even tho I'm all too unsure just how to act in social groups. I need my friends to stay sane and to at least try to have some sort of life going on around me.

And yes I know I'm bad at taking contact with ppl. But they all knew that and if it's a problem then TELL ME ffs. And I'll try to change. But really, right now I can't handle it. I am feeling so FUCKING lonely. Go play with your awesome lives and fuck of.

Let me be.

Skin creature.

I am an emotionally driven creature. I know logic, I can handle logic. But when my emotions tells me something then I really want to do it. It gets a bit complicated while dealing with my total lack of self confidence and the fact that I don't feel / think that I'm worth anything. Sometimes I want to do something so badly, but can't.

I've clearly got some issues to deal with. And I am working on it.

*Sigh.* I'm really feeling my addiction now. Lacking the touch of skin and closeness. Caressing that sweet soft skin with my fingers and lips. A warm breath. So intoxicating. Just a lick or two, a little nibble and a bite. A subtle shiver and sigh. It's not about love. It's about feeling the contact. I love skin, taste and touch.

Of all the addictions there is, it's one of the prettier ones I'd say.

Time to relax and take a painkiller. I got one of those annoying colds a few days ago. Feels like it's going to be pretty short lived tho, thank god. But there's going to be some extra resting done for a few days. No worries. I've got anime to watch , imgs to draw and epic friends to chat with. Peachy peachy.

To hell with it.

Sometimes I wonder if my head is really screwed on right ?

Someone should slap me on my fingers and send me to the corner or something. I am probably totally incorrigible and will never ever behave correctly. But who knows, maybe I'll get a hard hit on the head some day and mend my ways.

Until then, I'll just have to try harder not to go insane.

If that's gonna happen tho, I need to find something very tasty very close to keep my mind busy. But what ever. In the mean time back in reality...

I'm still nuts, still without a job, haven't learned to speak German yet and will probably mess up the rest of my life if I keep going the way I am. Oh yes I am oh so very positive right now. Ain't it peachy ? Just makes you wanna vomit pink fluffy clouds.

I should really just focus on one thing and run to hell with it.

And I just took a look in the mirror, I look horrible. Looks like I haven't slept for ages. Am I that messed up inside ? I need to shape up. Really...

Moving forward.

Forgive and forget they say. That's the key.

She speaks about it in the book to. The one I mentioned in the previous post. You shouldn't try to forget something too soon after it's happened. Because if you go too fast, you won't forgive the person or ppl involved. And then you won't move forward. But I was just wondering. If I don't feel the need to forget, and I don't want to forgive. Does that mean I'm stuck ?

Because I don't feel the need to forget anything bad that might have happened to me in my life. It's all part of me now. Use it and grow, right ? And I know that as the matter looks now, I don't want to forgive either. Besides, they haven't asked for it have they ? But, the thoughts about the matter doesn't make me feel angry anymore. Doesn't that mean I am moving forward ?

I feel sorry for them, for having such miserable personalities so that the only thing they could do to feel good was to make me feel bad. I pity them. But right now, I simply will not forgive nor forget them. I'm fine with that. The scary thing right now, is to look my future in the eyes and deal with that.

(S)aint.

"You said I tasted famous so I drew you a heart. But I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art."

I'm listening to Marilyn Manson - (S)aint, trying to figure out if this lump in my throat is something caused by bad food, sickness or mental issues. I'm leaning more towards the later. Still a good song tho, I really like it.

I'm back down in Linköping. It feels like crap, can't wait to get back to my moms house again. But I've got things to do and stuff to take care of. Fortunately for me, nothing important can be done before Monday so I've got a whole day more to do nothing at all. Today I've watched a bunch of Bleach episodes. Awesomeness. Tomorrow I only have one thing planned, except from the silly long sleep-in I'm going to do. I'm gonna go to a movie with 2 friends. It will be most excellent I'm sure.

Right now tho I've got teeth to brush and a date with my bed.
"I've got an F and a C and I've got a K too and the only thing that's missing is a bitch like U."