My comfort zone.

It came, it left. And now I’m just uncomfortable. 

Planning Christmas.

School is over and done. And as much fun as it was, I am very happy that it's over now. And now it's time to plan the holiday. Me and my boyfriend are going up to visit my family over christmas. It's gonna be nice. Even with all the allergies and shit. I've missed all the animals even though they make my nose runny.

And almost everything is done now. I just need to coordinate some food and candy and then we're all set. We are both fussy vegetarians so we're not gonna have a "normal" dinner. But it will be awesome. Never been very interested in the "normal" christmas food anyways.

Summer holiday blues.

Summer holiday. I should be happy relaxing. Instead I'm feeling down and stupid because I don't have a summer job. I'm trying to ignore it. I really need some time to just to nothing right now. I made it through the first half of this education without skipping school even once. Which is a first for me. Never been good at staying in school. But it got me so so tired. Especially these last two weeks out at the garden center. *sigh*

I can wait another semester before I can get a job and start paying for my self again. But can the people that I'm relying/living of do the same?

Down and out.

I'm having troubles sleeping again. Last night, or should we say early this morning. I stood in the kitchen watching the snow fall outside the window. I hoped it would stay over the day but I wasn't feeling very happy. I think I could have slept pretty much through the entire day, but I made my self get up after 12 anyway.

I tried to do some stuff but ended up in bed again a while later. Not sleeping. Just wasting time watching the sky through the window and the sealing. I am quite apparently not feeling very well. It's a good thing I'm still eating these pills. I might be feeling down and out of character. But at least I'm not thinking about all of the ways the world would be better if I wasn't in it.

I need to snap out of this somehow. Good thing Sugar is home soon. That will make everything feel better. At least for the moment. Oh, and the snow did stay. For the day anyway. It was a nice warm moment this afternoon to look out the window and see the white stuff on the ground. I hope it snows more during the night.

My Vote.

It's soon time to go and vote here in Swe. So today I'm taking some time of my boredom to listen to a recent debate between the leaders of the current parties. This is as involved as I've ever been. Politics are and have always been very boring and uninteresting to me. Maybe I'm finally growing up because this year I feel that maybe I should try to make a little effort.

I have pretty much already decided where my vote will lay. But getting a little more info and impressions from the parties couldn't hurt. And to be honest, I want to see the racist party make even bigger fools of them selves. I personally believe that humans will not be happy by sorting our selves by skin color and country borders. And/or sexual preferences.

I hope that not too many people will vote for these kinds of parties. But most of all, I hope that as many people as possible will go out and vote. And if you're unsure what to vote for. You can always go to aftonbladet.se and take the test there to see which party you're most likely to agree with. You'll get a few options. It's better than nothing. Or just vote blank. It's ok too.

And just to point this out, again. I have never been very interested in politics. Like I said. But I do vote. I have only missed it once. Because I was out of the country at the time of the election. And stupid me forgot to vote before I left. Shit happens. But I have no reasons to forget it this time. Last but not least, please help us keep racism out of the government.

*Poop*, the update.

Because i can.

And now in a much better mood although still alone, and apparently it's raining outside. So yes the hall will probably be full. Shit happens. Anyway, I decided to perk my self up by getting a haircut. Quick and easy since I do it my self. And now I've given the blog a face lift too. Gonna need to take a new selfie for it tho. Since my profile pic is old and inaccurate. Oh well. If only I could lose my headache now. 

*Poop*

Today is climbing day. But the weather outside isn't overly peachy. Which means there will probably be a lot of people at the climbing hall. *poop* With a little luck, most of the might be busy with the top ropes. But I'm still a bit hesitant to climb. Stupid mind. Silly me.

I got stuck thinking about my future again last night, well, almost all day yesterday. So I'm not overly peachy either. Feels like my head is trying to make more problems where there really is none. At least not as big as my head want's it to be. So I'm having a somewhat bad day.

Gonna listen to some music and relax and see if maybe I can get into a better mindset before Sugar quits work and it's time to go. One can always hope.

No-go.

I've slept but I'm tired. And my internal organs are in turmoil. I suspect too much dairy and too little water. I would, atm, just like to go back to bed. I don't even feel like playing. I guess I'm having a slightly worse day than normal. And even tho I would like to tell it to go f**c of, I can agree that maybe I just need a little rest today. I'm not really feeling down at least, just experiencing an annoying lack of energy and willpower. *Sigh*

Depressed rant.

I still find life very confusing, annoying and very hard to deal with. I have always wondered ( and still do ) why it looks so much more complicated for me.

Why did I have to be a shy child when I grew up. Why didn't I have a good relationship with my father. Why is it sometimes so hard to see when I can do and say some things and when it's a bad moment. Why was it so hard to make friends. Why was it so horribly hard to even talk to people. Why did they have to pick on me when I did mistakes. Why do I meet so many weird people that aren't good for me. Why did that thing have to happen....

I want to be better. I want to be good. And at the same time I wonder, why bother? What do I want to be good for ? Me ? Others ? I want to be loved, liked. Ofc, everyone does. I want people to seek me out, want to do things with me. Be happy with me. Not stab me in the back and freeze me out. Point fingers at me and whisper when I walk by. But they don't do that now do they ? That was years ago. Why is it so hard to let go of. Why can't I move forward. Am I depressed ? Am I just down and under. When did I lose my cheerfulness I used to have. Where did I go wrong....

I don't know what to do for me. I don't know what I want. Even tho I can tell you about things I'd like. In the end, I don't know. Nothing. What am I. Life can be hard for everyone. Why did I cope with it so badly ? I know, I'm having a bad day. Maybe even a bad week. Who cares. I know that later tonight or tomorrow. things will look better and I won't understand why I wrote all this. But it's still all true. I have to get a life. Do something. So I'll go forward again.

And last but not least. I wonder how much good it would do, to tell someone about what happened. Cuz apparently it's still on my mind. Do I need them to know so that I will feel better ? And is it worth it at the cost of how they will feel when hearing about it ? Is it my right to decide for them ? Oh lord sometimes I wish I was religious. I have to stop giving my self more problems than I already have. And not make things that aren't a problem, into one. I need some happy music, and a hug. A big hug. And quite possibly a piece of cake. Yeah. That would be awesome.

F#!k...

Oh this is a bad day. I slept badly, woke up a few times and felt a headache. Woke up this afternoon then and noticed the headache was still there. I'm freezing, feeling lazy and not motivated at all. I'm down and insecure and worried. Still got a mountain of boxes to take care of and a friend I should try to get a hold of and meet. *sigh* I can make up more excuses but it doesn't matter. The fuck to do...

Personal growth galore.

Oh I really like this. I have to be Ego here a little bit. Yesterday I had another "Oh wow" moment about my self. I asked some questions about things I wasn't sure about. Nothing dangerous I know, but still a big deal for me. Just a minor hesitation, but it went very well. I had the right person to talk to.

Normally I would just go online and try to find the answers there. But at the same time, I find it more interesting and fun to get the answers I need from a person and not a screen. Even if it is an easy answer to find by my self. So, there we go. Getting better day by day. Awesome.

I've also started to say the most funny comments about my self. First time I did it I felt like "wtf ?".  Saying words like awesome, gorgeous and fabulous. And when I think back about it right after having said it. I don't feel bad about saying something good about my self. When the hell did that change ?

I do wonder how things could change so much in my mind in just this last year. But I ain't gonna question it. It feels goood. And on another note. I cut my hair again. And bleached it. When feeling good inside, having the outside look good too makes it all even better. Go me ! Wohoo !

Me, my self and my worries.

I'm so tired of this now. I'm in a period of high anxiety and worrying again. Thinking about my allergies that are in danger of getting worse by the day. Looking for work online almost daily. Worrying about what to do with my things in Lkpg. And how and when I'll get a job. Getting a place to live, and ofc where to live.

It's quite exhausting. And it comes with the very unpleasant side effect of not being able to fall asleep. Even if I'm in bed by 12, the chance of me falling asleep before 4-6 in the morning is slim. That in turn makes me feel like I'm a no good lazy ass when I can't get out of bed until after 12-13 somewhere. Crap, fuck, shit.

On the bright side. I'm quite happy with my mental progress in the self worth department. I think it's gone extremely good even. I still get some random spontaneous issues tho. And I don't get any heads up for them either. It's a bit annoying but I guess it can't be helped. At least I'm going forward.

One of my issues I really don't understand. The "ppl doing things that could embarrass them" thing. I mean, why the fuck should I be worried about that ? It's really not my problem. My only guess is that my faulty logic has found a loophole to make it my problem. I need to cut that of and close it up for good.

Learning.

I have a motivational issue. Basically, I want to do things but can't get any motivation to do it. It's starting to bug the hell out of me. But recently I got my self a little cheerleader. I've been wanting to learn a new language. German, to be exact. So I got a tip from a friend and downloaded this app. Its pretty neat.  Has all the right features for me that I need right now at least. And also, one thing that I both like and dislike.

If I don't use it one day. It sends me a reminder. Saying how its important to keep up the learning and w/e. The demotivational part of me thinks these messages can just go to hell and burn in eternity. Gimme a break. But the part of me that wants to learn this language is cheering loudly saying go go go !!! Lols. I know this is good for me. I hope I remember that.

On the right track.

I've been out and about for a while again, 3 weeks or so. It's strange how much I'm out visiting people and going places now. Well it feels strange for me. Compared to how it was before. When I only went up to visit my family once or twice a year. It's a lot more traveling now. I like it.

I went down to Lkpg again. Stayed a few days with D. Then of to my friend L for a few days before I went back to D for a while again and celebrated his B-day I met S and her bro too. Been taking a lot of pics, watched D climb and picked a LOT of cherries. And some strawberries too. Tasty as fuck.

Got some creative stuff done with L. We did a lot of talking too ofc. Haven't been social with her for ages now. Too bad she got a bit sick while I was there, but I hope she still thinks that it was worth it. I do.

Had a long chat with C about health and stuff which got me thinking about life and everything again. She recommended that I go see someone to help me with my mental issues. A very good idea ofc. I could still use some help even tho some of my issues seem to be gone now.

I'm no longer as scared as I used to be when I meet new people. It's not as hard anymore to talk to them and be social. I'm not so worried about if I'm being annoying or not to them now. Might this be the start of a growing self confidence perhaps? I applied for a job today. It was scary at first but I did it.

I've checked on things I said yesterday that I should check on today. That's a good step. I think I might start with my "to do" lists again. As far as today goes in that case it will be a lot of "done / check" marks on it. I've probably done all the "have to"s today. Might go on to do some creative fiddling now and just enjoy.

I'm feeling very calm and at ease right now. It's nice. Very nice.

Ranting Wallflower.

It's snowing outside, and I'm feeling gloomy. I'm running out of days, again. Visiting my friend. I have to go "home" in just a few days now but I don't want to. I'm enjoying it here, I want to stay longer. Sometimes I feel like a traveler. Living a few weeks here and a few weeks there. No real place to call "My own home" but of course always a place where I can sleep and "call" my home. I know I know I shouldn't complain. It's ungrateful. So call me a bitch then.

If at least spring could come soon it would feel much better. Or honestly I don't know, but I pretend it will. With all the things I'm planning to do to that garden. I should be quite busy from time to time. If it all works. I wonder if I'll be able to fit it all. So many seeds and plants. Need to dig a new field. Possibly two. And maybe extend the strawberry one. I wish the greenhouse was bigger. So I could live in it. At least during summer. Nah who am I kidding.

Two of my flowers here are blooming. My pink Orchid and the flower cactus. And my "faith bush" that I cut down a while ago seems to be growing new leafs too. Along with the cut offs that I placed in water to get roots. Awesome. I'd like to take one of them with me but I have no room for it. *sigh* Oh yes, my Hoya has grown too. Sorry, too lazy to spell the common name. Speaking of names I learned a new one today. One I've been wondering about actually.

I found it by coincidence in a garden magazine I randomly bought yesterday. If the magazine is right, it's funnily enough called "Mind-your-own-business". A quick google search found me the right flower so I guess it's so. Apparently it can grow to become a garden weed in England. Funny, here I would doubt that it would survive outside at all. Oh well.

A Whole New Year To Fuck Up.

Yes. 2012 is old news, here we go 2013. I don't have any great hopes for this year tho. But if I can wish for anything, it would be to find someone who loves me and to get a job. Health is over rated for my part so I'm not gonna ask for that. But I hope my mom will feel better than she has these last few months.

And once again I feel like I've lost a few weeks. The days have just gone by and although I know what I've done and where I've been, it feels like I haven't been consciously there. It's like my mind has been busy somewhere else. Could be, that I've been a bit more down than usual. But I don't really know.

I wonder how I should get things going this time, this year. It's hard to describe how it is to have things that you want to happen or get done. But not having any willpower or anything, to make it happen. Mostly it feels quite horrible really. But I will make my best effort this time. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

Failed img of a lovely two-colored Geranium -2011.
Will look for a new one this spring again.

It's been a while.

I should be sleeping right now. I was reading, and I'm on my way to bed. Just felt like stopping by here first. I've got some "late night loneliness" hanging over my shoulders at the moment. It's x-mas now. ( Yes in my mind it is. Deal with it. ) I'm missing some people and moments I wish I still had. In a way. At least most of the preparations for the holiday is done. Just some last min baking and decorations to put up. 

I feel troubled. It has nothing to do with x-mas tho, but I have no idea who to talk to about it. I can only talk it over with my self. And the best solution I can come up with is to ignore, forget and move on. That's really not easy. As usual I'm not making it easy for my self. Guess I'm still in the mindset that I deserve misery and hard times. Hard to move beyond that. But I'm making a brilliant effort I must say. I think I do anyway.

Tomorrow I'm going to be happier again. The bigger part of this sad feeling will go away while I'm sleeping. Good thing. When I'm up and about I'll do the last baking and enjoy the most awesome weather we're having. I really hope it stays until new years eve. Gonna listen to some x-mas songs and send happy feelings in my head too. But right now I really should sleep. I hope I get happier dreams than last nights.

Tgif ftw !

I love Fridays. I think it comes from when I was in school. The joy of having 2 whole days free from that hell hole. It was always a joy. Not to mention summer breaks and all the small holidays.

But...

Today I did something I told my self not to do again. I just couldn't help it. I yelled and "argued" with my granny. I am so tired of her bullshit, I have been for a while. I'd love to have her committed to a mental hospital so they could straighten her out. Since nothing we say has any affect on her. She's still slowly killing herself, since 8 or 9 years ago now. But I give up now. I'm not gonna listen to another word now.

It also feels slightly hypocritical to argue with her about this. Knowing that I my self have had doubts about living and such. And I'm not fully free from those thoughts yet. But at least I know I have a problem and I know that how I see things and how they really are isn't a match. It's better than in my mind. I'm overly negative and have no confidence or self esteem. But I know about it. So I can work on it. 

I guess that's the difference between me and her. I've gone one step closer to being happy again. But she still tells her self that everything is over. I just wish she wouldn't say such mean things like she has. Saying that there's nothing at all to live for. When she has 3 kids, 6 gran kids and 1 gran gran kid. She could have kept that comment for her self if she feels that life is that bad. 

You do NOT tell your kids that they aren't worth living for. 

Making happy.

I'm waiting for the weekend, but I'm not sure why. Right now I'm not a happy camper. Again. Summer is over. I'm cold and freezing. I'm too far away from all of my friends. And I'm not even close to getting a job and moving back to the "city of friends". I'm not putting in much of an effort either.

I think, in one way I want to feel better too fast. So I tell my self there are all these things I have to do. But then I'm not able to do them cuz I'm feeling bad and that makes me feel dumb for not getting anywhere. When really I should just relax and wait a while until I'm feeling better. It's hard.

And I should probably start going to therapy of some sort. I want to say "I will go...", but I'm not quite there yet. But I do agree that it could probably do me good. Until then I'm going to try a bit harder with this "positive thinking" thing and less worrying.

The worrying thing is easier said than done tho.

It's been a while.

Haven't written here in a while now. Got no excuse, just that life got in the way. Summer is over now. At least here it is. The trees are turning yellow and it's pretty cold outside if the sun isn't there. And to be honest it looks like the sun has gone on vacation.

So what's up. I'm still living at my moms place. I still think my granny should be forcefully admitted to the psychiatric ward. And I still think that I'm no good for anyone. It is hard that things are going so slow. But really, I don't know any other way to do this. On the bright side, I'm now on the list and waiting for a surgery time to get sterilized. I'm happy about it. With the exception of the long waiting. But I'll live.

I'm missing my old town a lot more now. Partly because I really liked it and because I have ( well had at least ) some awesome friends there. But also because there's a certain someone there that I really love spending time with. I'll see him in not too long tho. Gotta go down there again soon to fiddle with my stuff at my ex's place and move it into a storage like the rest of my stuff. *sigh* Living in a box huh.

I'm feeling a bit low tonight. No special reason I think. It's probably just everything and nothing again. And also I can seem to get rid of this annoying cold that I've had for a while now. Guess I'll go turn on a movie and escape into that for the rest of the night.